Catechism of Cliché (9) online marketing

Vintate cartoon of man in suit presenting sales pitchGood afternoon Mr Schemes. 
– hey!
What were you doing several years ago?
– I was struggling to make ends meet
And what are you doing now?
– Living the life I dreamed of.
In what pecuniary accumulators would you profess not to believe?
Get rich quick schemes
From what humble origin can I build a lifestyle?
– Scratch
What extreme vocal feat will that lifestyle perform?
– It will scream success
What do people tell you every day,  that would be of particular interest to footballers?
– How much this material helped them reach their goals
What do you guarantee?
– Results
If we are not satisfied, what will you return?
– Every last dollar
What will be asked in return?
– No questions
And what will be the nature of the insights, on a level with Mount Everest or the Great Pyramid of Giza?
– They will be totally awesome
Due to what personal quality that I possess?
– You are totally awesome
Well, I hadn’t noticed that, but hey ho. How are you feeling?
– So excited that you’re going to come on the trip
What can you not do?
– Wait until you click the button below and let me start to help you
And how will my potential be affected, as in canine liberation?
– it will be unleashed
What climatic act of devastation have you suffered as result of the interest in your program (sic)?
– I have been blown away
What act of wanton cruelty to lowly beasts of burden will this scheme enable me to perform?
– You will kick ass
(I pinched the idea from Flann O’Brien, the brilliant Irish humourist.)

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